Provoked: Or Don't let your wife beat you to it.

For Abhishek's wedding gift, we heard good old Jag made this beautiful movie previously titled: Back-Fire (Tag line: Beat Your Wife But Hide The Candle.)

Yes, the ultimate male fantasy. What would we not do to watch Aishwarya Rai get bitch slapped. That too, in a movie by the Jerry Bruckheimer of porn.

For the benefit of fruitbaskets reading this, here's a quick refresher on Jag Mundra. Now, this is the guy who got Helen Broadie to show her body in 'Moonsoon' [If you are at work or in the presence of the faint-hearted elderly, open that link at your own risk]. More recently, Jag was creative enough to let Laila Rouass (nope, I'm not making up these names) jump into bed with Rahul Khanna to lighten the mood and have a little fun in the middle of a film about gang-rape that ended with Nandita Das complaining about the use of a body double.

What joy it would be. To see Aishwarya in the porn filmmaker's latest attempt at critical acclaim.

So much lipsmacking potential all in one movie.

But hey, hold your monkey here a second. Don't let your expectations rise too much, the movie is a let down. The Four Letter Review for the film would go: KLPD. Yes, or KLPRR or KLPIB as you know it... (RR being Road Roller and IB being Iron Box!)

Aishwarya Rai proves her class (third to be precise) in a film with porn movie extras clearly demonstrating that they can, on any given day, do a better job acting than she ever can with her clothes on.

Everytime she went over the top with her annoying shrieks, me and a friend were rooting for Naveen Andrews, who plays the husband. "Bring it on man... Slap the bitch... YES... YES... YES!!" These were the best parts of the movie. We wanted cheerleaders around the hall, sink deeper into the seats and dig into the popcorn. Bliss! If only our Censors were more relenting.

But then, we discovered Jag has changed his preferences. No bare, sizzling Laila Rouass. Just a unbearably gross, sizzled Andrews's, thanks to squirrel-brained Aishwarya having grown up watching one of Jag's previous works called: "Burning passion: Candle with Care". The kinky woman sets his pants on fire.

'Provoked' is Jag's attempt to do a Deepa Mehta sort of a trilogy. Many years ago, he made a film on flesh trade called 'Kamla'. Then he got interested in gang-rape and made 'Bawander' and now another exciting idea. Wife-beating. If Deepa can do 'Fire,' he could come up with his own feminist statement: "Back-Fire." But the mistake he makes here is that he doesn't give people what they walk into the theatre to watch his movies for.

Now, a Jag Mundra film without porn is like Saravana Bhavan without masala dosa, right?

Alright, I am exaggerating a bit.

The movie isn't that bad nor is Aishwarya. She is actually half-decent when she shuts the fuck up in prison and talks only when required to. Thankfully, we are not Dhoomed again to hear her go "Are you, like, checking me out, like?"

Also Madhu Ambat's cinematography shows us an Aishwarya who looks fine with no make-up whatsoever. Having said that, the movie is a bore. Especially, when Jag decides to do a Princess Diaries in prison and gets her a makeover. Here's the thing, Jag: If you think you're going to switch camps and start making chick flicks, Sorry mate. The chicks don't like it either. Stick to your soft porn. You manage to make it interesting with the babes and guns thrown in. Apparently, even Tarantino digs that kinda stuff.

Naveen Andrews, Miranda Richardson and Robbie Coltrane are the only actors who seem to know what they are doing in the film. Strangely, even Nandita Das is found wanting. She turns out to be animated in the company of the firang natural actors. Or maybe, after her previous outing with Jag, she just signed up for sweet revenge.

Maybe she was the one who was 'Provoked'.

Anyways, it's good that Jag made something that will hopefully provoke Little B to beat her regularly.

Also, I hope he hides the candle.